The Pilot: The Mission Behind The Complex & The Curious

Welcome to the Complex and The Curious, a podcast about life and C-P-T-S-D. I'm your host, Erika. I'm 34 based out of Ohio, and have an obsession with self-development and trauma, which isn't always healthy. But I'm trying to balance that. So why did I start this podcast? So a few years ago I started to suspect that I have complex post-traumatic stress disorder or C-P-T-S-D.

And then that was confirmed by, my EMDR therapist in 2024. So I began therapy. And was in it a little over a year, and I graduated this past June and it was really helpful. Um, it was life changing

So a little bit about how my trauma started. For me, like many people, it started in childhood mostly from being around adults who were emotionally and mentally unavailable because of their own trauma. And that affected me in many different ways. Um, physically I was having trouble with migraines, I had stomach issues, I was underweight, um, because when I was anxious, I didn't have an appetite.

Um, I would have dizzy spells and I had anxiety by the time I was eight and then depression. By the time I was around 12. I also had severe social anxiety, which caused me to isolate.

And the adults in my life did the best that they could to help. I was at the doctor constantly, but the situation was frustrating because they didn't know what to do. Which in turn would cause more anxiety for me. And all the symptoms that I mentioned became worse. And the biggest thing was that I was never able to shake the feeling or belief that something was wrong with me.

I felt like I was broken, and that no one in the world would be able to understand.

I felt like I was broken beyond repair and like no one in the world would be able to understand. And as I got older, my problems with work and school and relationships and managing my emotions became more intense. And I assumed that that was just the way things were and how they would continue to go.

But after spending time, but after spending time learning more about this disorder and going through therapy, I was proven wrong and I've learned, and I'm still learning how to live in a better way. I've accomplished things that I never thought were possible, and that's why I wanted to start this podcast. I'm creating the show as proof that no matter how hopeless things feel or seem with this condition, things can get better, life can actually feel good.

And I don't wanna make it seem like it was easy. Once I realized that C-P-T-S-D is what I had been experiencing, I felt relieved and overwhelmed. Um, it was great to be able to put a name on what was going on, but C-P-T-S-D is still a relatively new term. And there's a lot of different ways that you can go about healing.  And that was just, that was overwhelming. Um, I was doubting whether or not I would be able to do it, and I was doubting if it would even be helpful if I tried.

But the pain and frustration about the way I was living at the time outweighed the doubts and fears I had about healing, and I decided that I didn't wanna get official trauma treatment until I had a better understanding of my own story. I knew. How it felt, but I never tried to take a, a more objective view as to what happened and what didn't happen growing up. So for about a year, I observed my past and, um, I let myself be angry.

I let myself throw pity parties and. Um, I fell back into old patterns and I, learned more about family dynamics and, um, highlighted the major turning points in my life and I learned more about what humans, especially kids need in order to be healthy physically and mentally. Um, and I compared that to.

To my past, and then I felt even more angry, um, because everything made sense and all of the things that I was struggling with were just natural consequences of what I experienced in the past. Then in March, 2024, I found a trauma therapist who confirmed that I had C-P-T-S-D and thought that I would be a good candidate for EMDR, also known as eye movement, desensitation and reprocessing to process traumatic memories and emotions. And I started attending therapy once a week. Um, did that for a little over a year. Mostly for EMDR, but he also was a great sounding board for my worries and shame, and he taught me how to check my irrational thoughts. And as far as the EMDR, it was a pretty surreal and cathartic experience. And it allowed me to feel emotionally lighter. And eventually I was able to talk about my past without crying hysterically, which I have never been able to do before. And now that I've graduated therapy, I do feel better than I ever thought I could feel. Um, navigating life in the world, um, doesn't seem I impossible like it used to.

And therapy and the things like breathing techniques, writing out irrational thoughts, books about trauma, and somatic exercises are crucial parts of my healing. But another part that I think is equally important is finding sources of inspiration. From books, my family, TV shows, movies and music.

Like the books by Georgia Hard Stark and Karen Kilgariff, Deepak Chopra and Brene Brown. TV shows like Insecure and Fleabag or My Nipsey Hussle and J. Cole playlist, anything that reminds me that I'm not alone and encourages me to keep going. Just like therapy and all the practical things I've learned about trauma.

I don't know where I'd be without the people who have courageously and vulnerably shared their art and stories with the world. As terrified as I am, I feel called to share my story. Um. As well as the things that I've learned, the things that I'm still learning, in case there's someone out there who needs to hear it.

And if you can relate to any of that, I hope you stick around and I hope you find what I'm sharing helpful. And I hope you know that you're not alone. Thank you for listening, and I'll talk to you later. Okay, bye.