11 Years Later: A Conversation with My Past About C-PTSD & Hope

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Welcome to the Complex and The Curious, a podcast about life and C-P-T-S-D. I'm your host, Erica, and for this first episode, I'm going to read a letter that I wrote to a past version of myself. To give you some context, I'm writing to a version of myself from 11 years ago, so I would've been 23. I was single after a long-term relationship, and , I was working a job I didn't really love and it was emotionally and mentally draining.

Um. I was going to school for something that I wasn't really interested in and the way that I grew up, left me disconnected from myself and my true feelings for most of my life. So I wasn't even aware that I was disconnected, , I was also not aware of the way work, school relationships and my coping mechanisms were impacting me.

It wasn't until about two years ago that I learned how to make a distinction between what a yes feels like and my body and what a no feels like. In the past, I was actually going towards things that felt like a no because that's what felt familiar and I dislike myself. Um, because I was constantly reliving my past, through my interactions at work and in my relationships and the way that I would react to conflict, didn't align with my values, and I did and said things that I wasn't proud of, that I'm still not proud of,

and one of the biggest things impacting me was the idea of who I thought I should be. I had so many subconscious rules that I made myself follow, like I had to keep risks to a minimum. I decided I wasn't allowed to show up as my authentic self.

Because it felt too dangerous and I had no idea who my authentic self was. I needed to be responsible and invincible and respectable in every area of my life. And the biggest rule of all was that I was not allowed to make mistakes, and at the time, I thought I couldn't live up to these standards because I was flawed.

But at this time I would get so frustrated and angry because I wasn't able to understand why I couldn't be the person I thought I should be. And I would see the people around me living their lives. It seemed like they were living them from a place of authenticity and joy and creativity.

And I, that wasn't something that I saw for myself. I felt like that wasn't something I had in me and that type of vulnerability was not something I was able to afford. And on top of that, I needed more downtime, naps, and coffee than almost everyone that I knew, which I know now was because my nervous system was dysregulated so I say all that to say that this is a version of me that I feel needed the most guidance and support and understanding, and I think. Ultimately she just needed to be validated. Um, so this is what I would say to her.

I know that you've spent most of your life feeling like an alien, cosplaying as a human, I know that you try  again and again to fix the parts of you that you see as broken, wrong, or bad, which leads you to running in circles because you can never pinpoint what the problem actually is. I know that you've been mean to yourself about all the things that don't come as easily to you as they seemingly do for others, like managing your emotions, relationships, being able to focus or where to put your hands.

I know that you're dying for wisdom and guidance, but you don't know where to start. I know that you have ways of giving yourself relief in the moment that end up causing more problems than they solve. I know that there's an anger that lives within you that's been there for so long that trying to mask it feels like second nature.

And when it does slip, you end up doing or saying something that hurt the people around you, and then you feel shameful about it later. I know that feels embarrassing and exhausting. I know that you don't like this about yourself, and sometimes you've give and sometimes you've give, and sometimes you'd give almost anything to be someone else. And even though a part of you wants desperately to know yourself, you're afraid to go within because you're terrified of what you might find. And you're afraid to get close to people because you're terrified of what they might see.

You focus on the superficial things to avoid looking within and to avoid getting hurt, but the pain finds you anyway and the craving you have for feeling something deeper, gets more intense. The longer you ignore it.

I know that you hold on to the good things in life too tightly because you believe they probably got there by chance in the first place. And then the fear of losing that thing becomes all consuming until you sabotage it.. I know that you don't see yourself or your existence clearly.

I know that you don't believe that you're here for a reason, or that your inherent qualities are valuable, that it doesn't make a difference if you're here or not. I know that on some level you think that this is just what life feels like and it will always feel like this. But I wanna tell you that there's a world where you get to do something that feels meaningful, something that feels like it's what you are always meant to do, where you look toward where you look forward to the future because you get to fill your days with things that light you up. And spend time with people who feel like home. I also wanna tell you that there's a name for what you're experiencing. The isolation, the shame, the anxiety, the depression, those are all just symptoms.

It's called C-P-T-S-D. It's defined as a mental health condition that is developed by repeated trauma, abuse, or neglect. Symptoms include irritability, aggression, self-sabotaging, avoiding triggers. Trouble with relationships, trouble with memory and concentration, hypervigilance, nightmares, digestive issues, headaches, and you're not alone. This condition was caused by being raised in dysfunction as a highly sensitive person. It wasn't just the things that did happen, like the arguments, favoritism, criticism, betrayal, and negativity, but the things that didn't happen, like validation, conflict resolution, belonging, vulnerability wise, guidance and emotional safety.

There's nothing wrong with you. You just didn't have what you needed to thrive, not because you didn't deserve those things or because your caretakers didn't want to give them to you. But because they were dealing with unhealed trauma themselves, your body, got used to surviving in an environment that wasn't safe.

And even though you've removed yourself and have new resources, your body and mind are still stuck in the past and view every person and situation through the lens of what happened to you.

What you can start focusing on now is making your body feel safe with vagus nerve resets, vagus nerve stimulation. Breath work, somatic shaking, and bilateral tapping. The more you do them, the better, and you'll be tempted to go down the C-P-T-S-D and you'll be tempted to go down the C-P-T-S-D rabbit hole.

But it's best that you focus on feeling safe in your body for now, so that you can retain what you learn later. Don't overwhelm yourself with information yet. When you're ready to know more, you'll feel it. I know you're probably worried and wondering if this is something you can overcome, but I wanna let you know that you'll begin to heal, not just your trauma, but your life as a whole.

Something to look forward to are the amazing teachers that will be revealed to you along the way. That will give you the wisdom and guidance you've been craving for so long. There will be some that you've never heard of, like Pete Walker, Georgia, hard Stark, Karen Kilgar, Brene Brown, Nicole Para. Heidi Pre and Don Miguel Ruiz, and some that have been there the whole time, like Rumi, Deepak Chopra, Jay Cole, and Nipsey Hussle. They'll guide you to look inward and towards the past, and they'll also encourage you to keep going. Pete Walker will teach you how to handle C-P-T-S-D flashback step by step.

Georgia Hard Stark will teach you that regardless of your past, you can design a life you feel excited about. Karen Kilgar will teach you that perfectionism is bullshit. Brene Brown will teach you that. Shame is a universal experience. Heidi Pree will teach you.

That being kind to yourself when you mess up is when you need it the most.

Don Miguel Ruiz will teach you that little pieces of God live in all of us.

Rumi will teach you that going after what you love will never leave you astray. And that it's the pain that breaks our hearts open. Deepak Chopra will teach you about spirituality and the law of dharma. J Cole will teach you to always have gratitude for the present. Nipsey will teach you that everyone has something to contribute and it doesn't matter how slowly you walk your path, as long as you don't stop and the path won't be easy.

There will be times where you doubt if healing is even possible for you. Keep going anyway. You're stronger than you think, and even though you'll stumble off your path, you'll also keep finding it and finding it again is the most important part. In this process, your strengths will become clear, so will your weaknesses,

but instead of looking at your opportunities for growth from a place of shame, you'll begin to look at them from a curious place, which is how real and lasting change can happen. Soon enough, you'll decide that you're ready to start therapy specifically for trauma. You'll get in touch with a therapist who is insightful and validating, and you'll learn how to identify irrational thoughts, how to calm down when you're spiraling, how to handle intense emotions, and recognize when you're dissociating, how to start to respond instead of react, and when to walk away from situations that don't feel right. And finally, how to make yourself feel safe.

And as you spend more time in therapy, you'll start being more kind to yourself and you'll find out what it's like to have a regulated nervous system, even if it's just for a few minutes at a time. And that anger that I mentioned before will still come up. But you'll be able to process it in a healthier way and it won't be nearly as intense and consuming as it once was.

Your thoughts will seem less scary and the world will seem less scary too. You'll get back into things you love, like late night drives fashion.

And eventually you'll take your first solo trip to your favorite place, you'll start to trust yourself and your intuition, the progress won't be as fast as you'd prefer, but there will be days when something like an old insecurity or a loss reminds you of how far you've come and you'll be proud. In the meantime, please remember to be patient with yourself. This condition didn't happen overnight.

So healing and learning how to be fulfilled will take time it's best to do this type of work while you're single, at least at first, so you can be your own main priority and not get lost in old unhealthy programming. You won't be able to properly give to yourself until you rediscover who you are and love your life while you're alone.

I promise. The love you're looking for right now is the type of love that only you can give yourself. Take a break from higher education and just be for now. Do things that make you feel good, not in a temporary way, but in a way that brings you peace and energizes you at the same time. Make your bed meditate, even if it's just for a minute. Read quotes that inspire you. Consume all the movies, TV shows, books, and music that feel nostalgic and like home.

Spend hours on Pinterest. Imagine your future from a positive perspective. Research the weird things that interest you give anonymously. Analyze your past and look for lessons. Deep, clean things. I know you love doing that. Buy candles. Take pictures of your neighborhood at night. Drink more water, take trips, paint, work out.

Make collages, plan game nights with your family. Do breath work. Go shopping in an actual store cook. Tell the people you love what you love about them, and when the guilt inevitably creeps in, remember that you deserve to spend time doing the things that you love. You'll benefit from it and the people you love will benefit from it too.

Everything you need to know and everything you're meant to have will appear when you're ready for it. No need to rush it. Brushing will just set you back in the long run.  Know that you're exactly where you're meant to be, and later on or sometime in between, start observing yourself without trying to change or fix.

Write down what you notice, the feelings, the thoughts, the actions, the relationship between the three,

and when you look at the darkness within yourself. Instead of facing it with shame, try to look at the parts with curiosity and compassion. The pieces of yourself you dislike the most are there for a reason and have served a purpose at one point. They love you and they'll heal if you learn to love them back.

They love you and they'll heal if you learn to love them back. Make sure you look for the light in yourself too. You'll find it. And then you'll forget it. So try to make it a habit to remind yourself of your goodness. Often know that you're able to trust yourself.

Oftentimes you have clarity about your feelings. It's the overthinking that gets you in trouble and allows cycles to continue. Most of all have faith that things can get better because they will, as long as you keep on going, they'll be even better than you can imagine.

So that's what I would say.   Um, if you're still listening, I hope that resonated with you and, um, I don't know. I hope I said something that you needed to hear. Thank you for listening. I really appreciate it. I'll talk to you soon. Okay, bye.